i'm at a lost of words to describe the pain i'm feeling...

my brother, the 1 person that i thought understood me the most just turned his back on me...

he and his wife is recently married and they have a house in corona, i currently go to school at UCR. at first i had a plan for my senior year, i was going to move into this great apartment with one of my friends but things fell through. she turned out to be an alcoholic with a lot of unresolved issues and it just put my life at risk so i told her i can't live with her next year because i don't feel safe living with her. so i start out looking for a new roommate but this late in the quarter everyone had already renewed their lease or have a place to stay. i talked to my parents and they convinced my brother to let me live with him just until i graduate then i'll be out on my own for sure. he agreed and even made up ground rules and such and i was fine with them. then a few days ago he sends me this long text saying i can't live with him and his wife in the fall because me being there is going to put a strain on their marriage and the only way their marriage would work is if i wasnt there.... this broke my heart. out of my 2 brothers i was close to this one and his wife and i shared so much together and i thought they would always be there for me if i really needed them to be. it wasn't as if i wanted to live with them, they weren't even an option, my parents just made it one. i'm just so torn up. at this point i no longer wish to talk or see him. this isn't the first time he's turned his back to me. years ago on 1 of my birthdays he said he wasn't coming to my dinner but didn't tell me why. but then i found out his gf's sister's birthday was the day before mine and she had her dinner the same day as mine so he went to her dinner instead of his own sister.

all this shows where i stand in his life. doesn't matter how much i was there for him and his wife, how much i helped at their wedding and how much i suffered because of their mistakes they don't see that i deserve better. life has already been hard for me and now i have to stress about finding a place to live while stressing out about finals which is next week. i cried myself to sleep after i read his text.. that's when i found out that crying can give you tension headache and migraine headaches. it was the worst in the world.

some siblings love spending time with each other and is always there no matter what, and then there are siblings who only see each other on holidays.. i think i know where my brothers and i stand no matter how hard i try to keep my family together it doesn't seem to work.

i'm starting to become depress again. there's so much going on in my mind and so much hatred i just don't want to associate with anyone and just want to cry. but i know my future is on the line. i am a week away from summer break so i'll suckk it all up and study my ass off to pass all my classes then deal with all this when summer is here.

i'll show them who's the most successful in the family.. i'm the youngest but i will be the first to graduate with a BA degree and will provide a great life for myself...